This is when it all changes. I'm fed up with you not being in my life is all I can think of. Ya I did wrong, but at the same time, it was a series of events that led up to this. I don't think you were very optimistic from the beginning anyways. "I always thought university would tear us apart" and guess what, you're right. Because somehow you're always right, and I'm always wrong. And that's not fair. I'm done with this crap. Because how can someone always be wrong? I don't think that's good enough. That's why I'm done. DONE DONE DONE! You can be bitchy towards me and maybe it'll have an effect on me, but that will be only temporarily because my life doesn't revolve around you.

If you think you're the greatest. Fine be the greatest, but just remember, you're the one that cut me out of your life and you're the one that won't look at anything the other way around. So is it my fault? Partially yes, but it's also yours. It takes two to tango and I'm done with dancing. So go dance alone. Do what you want? Because you never treated me like a friend anyways. I was always the person that you leeched off of... after a while, I don't think I was best friend anymore. Or at least you didn't treat me like one.

But this is it. No more regrets. No more drama. It ends now.

I'm at that moment in life where I just want to give up. I'm secretly writing this so I don't get slapped/hit by the people that I told to hit me if I keep blaming myself for everything.

But I'm at the point where I just don't care. McD's is driving me insane as usual, the stress of school, the family drama and along with everything that has gone on with Nick. I'm just starting to give up on it all because why put all my effort to keep things in control. When I obviously can't handle things because everything falls apart.

There's also the... people expect too much out of me. I just want to be a normal 18yr old without a care in the world. I don't want to be bitter for the rest of my life or have nothing to show or be proud of. I just want to be free.

So should I take summer classes? I don't know. But ugh!!!

I'm tired of pretending to be ok. I'm not ok. And thanks for not asking because I feel more miserable.

I don't know how to fix this and I don't think it'll ever be fixed. I've lost my only best friend and it's the most depressing thing in the world. When you lose that someone that meant the world to you because you think they think you don't mean anything to do them. That they're not willing to try to keep the friendship. Shows that we weren't much best friends to begin with. Because I wasn't that important to you. Because I mean nothing. Because I'm trash.

and the cycle repeats itself... but this time i lost my best friend...

so does the cycle continue?
or have i lost him for good?

sigh... only time can tell..

so here we go again...

i fucking love you nick.
but you hurt me in so many ways.

i don't know what to do.

it's thanksgiving all over again
will it ever end?
i don't think so
i can't stand this anymore
i'm losing all faith in love
so please somebody just stop this
because i'm done with it all

I'm tired of the yelling.
I'm tired of all the stress.
I don't know how much more I can handle.

But if we're being the immature ones, then why are you the ones that is trying to start the fights?

it's sad to be doing physics homework on your birthday because your best friend went let you over to watch anime... sigh

All I want is love.

Is that too hard to ask for?

I feel like university isn't for me.

sigh.

When I thought everything was going to be okay, that the drama stopped. It didn't. It just gets worse. I feel like I'm walking pile of crap right now. I just don't care anymore. I feel like I've lost hope and such.... this is really retarded.

PS - I'm as stubborn as you are. And I won't cave in. You can do whatever the fuck you want, but I won't cave. I have my own morals and beliefs and you're going to have accept it even if you don't like it. I'll accept your beliefs because they are your opinions, but to me, they're wrong. So just shut the fuck up and let us live our lives.

"what happened to my graduation?"
"it was just high school..."
"so that means nothing at all?"

Thanks a lot Dad. I feel like whatever I've done has gone to nothing.

why do i bother sometimes?
is it really worth it?

i think you just forgot about me... and that's what i've always feared.

so if i got into a car drinking some alcohol, would you stop me?
would i call you an ass for trying to stop you?
would i think driving 3 more people than DUI is more dangerous?

why do you do this to me? i'm a human being.

wow... just wow....

Well is this the end?
If it is, then let it be.
I've tolerated enough of this crap.
Why should I bother dealing with anymore
if you won't even listen to what I have to say.
It's an endless cycle
And I'm always the one to retreat
I always felt that our friendship
was more important than a stupid argument
But degrading me to something I'm not
Labelling me in order to show me your "concerns"
But really insulting me
And making me feel lower than I really am
Why does it bother you so much?
Why does it bother me so much?
I guess it's something that will never be answered.
Not until you step out of your box.
And learn to understand another's feelings.
Or at least try to.

If this is how life is going to be, then why bother? I'm tired of being left out and I don't want to intrude, but if it's making me feel like crap, why am I here? I've been put into the situation where everybody seems to be leaving me and it's depressing.

don't ackknowledge me because i'm invisible or not of importance... i really don't know why i'm still here. maybe i should just leave this whole place. start fresh, maybe somewhere in texas...